“I just want to prove a point!” I told my PA via a voice note rather abruptly when she questioned my decision in a marketing campaign we were busy rolling out.
There it was; “Prove a point.” As I spoke those words in reply to her WhatsApp it hit me like a brick that had dropped from high in the sky – ‘BAM’! Emotionally the impact just about left me in tears. I realized at that moment that I have believed this lie my whole life.
The narrative that it is my purpose to prove something or to provide something rather than simply to “be.”
You see, I had been doing some really deep thinking and meditation over several days leading up to this moment and so I was on high-alert concerning my words and responses in conversation and thought. So when I spotted “it”, it hit home and it hit home fast.
I realized there and then that this belief has had me running the proverbial hamster-wheel like a crazy person on steroids for all these years. My mind was literally wired by default to keep playing this same tape over and over in countless different contexts. I can with absolute clarity pin-point the various entry-points where rejection took hold and twisted my mind into thinking that in order to be accepted for who I am, I have to somehow prove myself instead of just being myself.
Images flooded my mind as it dawned on me that I had lost a whole bunch of living while I was so caught up in doing.
My kaleidoscopic and very vivid mind immediately brought up the image of a beautiful flower. And I do so love flowers, especially the fragrant ones. This one was particularly radiant, with the deepest blues and oranges. I was so aware of this flower that I could almost smell and taste its beauty.
I realized in that "vision" that as much as this flower does not have to prove to the world that it is a beautiful flower, neither do I. I am just as much a part of nature as the flower is, so why am I trying to prove who I am? I just am. Nothing that I do or don't do can take away from who I already am. And so I let out a great big sigh of relief as the fear lifted like cataracts from my inner eyes and I was able to see...
Chasing Yellow Lines, notes on Easter Sunday