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Why does all and nothing and everything in between matter to me so much?

Updated: Sep 4

I was recently chastised for my desire to reach further than my immediate charges and "reality" into the realms of the future and even further, into the "everything" and the "everyone" spaces.

It was certainly not my first time that this chastisement has been delivered to me, and I can see how those who offer this conventional wisdom would view it. Grandiosity, the psychologists might say. Irresponsible or even unrealistic, many will think, and some will have the courage to say so to me out of genuine care and concern that I "should" rather just focus only on the here and now and stick to one thing - you know, climb the elusive ladder to no-whereness.


I get how there are elements to this argument that are important, especially because I have been a single-income home for the longest time with three beautiful children. I absolutely have prioritized them just by the way and somehow, I have, for the most part (certainly with some hiccups and learning curves) supported myself and 4 other humans while simultaneously pursuing this "thing" that some might label 'a calling' or just an unshakable must.

This pulsating creature in my gut that would not let go of me, sometimes like a possession, a curse at times, a way of seeing things in a way that no one else seemed to see which rendered me so isolated during parts of my journey that I literally tried to kill myself because I believed that I was completely insane. A burning in my loins like a fire that could never be quenched - regardless of the amount of discouragement and disappointment I have had to go through... the need (like air or water or food) to take MY people (this race that we call humanity) from slavery to the land of freedom - has never let go of my being.

As hard as I tried to medicate or silence the voice inside - it just kept erupting like an often inconvenient and violent entity from within. I decided that it was better for all concerned (certainly I was top of that list) - that I do not back down or try hopelessly to subdue 'it' because this 'it' creature - is me.

Something about 'this planet' just did not feel right to me and it took me years to learn some sort of a vocabulary that would help me explain what I felt in my toddler body at the youngest of ages. I remember so distinctly, dressed in a pretty little frock - 'it' hit me emotionally like a tsunami one day, when I first saw monkeys in cages at the Bloemfontein Zoo. I immediately resonated with their spirits - because I felt like I was the same as them and I really started understanding what it was that was so deeply unsettling me about 'everything'.


These little guys we trapped and controlled and they were clearly not in the correct environment to thrive. Their depression was tangible to me and their sadness tormented my soul. This was a construct (this is where we get the word construction from) - not a natural situation AT ALL.

Since I was teeny I took it upon myself to try and understand, particularly systems as a result of these deep heart-feelings, which spoke much louder to me than intellectual reasoning in the early days. I couldn't shake the absolute understanding that there was a very intricate and elaborate scheme (I saw it like a ginormous zoo where almost everyone was enslaved), often starving and unsettlingly lonely creatures. The most disturbing part for me was the realization that many were completely unaware that they were in this construct, to begin with (some poor people live in gutters - others in kings estates; a cage is a cage).

I have studied relentlessly over the years to try and make sense of this - the disparity between what I know nature wants for all of us and what we have settled for (something far, far less).


I started while I was still in the conventional schooling system and I have carried on non-stop thereafter. Sometimes I've done multiple qualifications simultaneously in the formal mainstream institutions while simultaneously trying to read approximately the equivalent of a book a day. I have tried my best to immerse myself in as many schools of thinking as I possibly could. From the popular thoughts and theories though to the less-conventional, even controversial.


I attend think tanks and I try to read as many of the latest Ph.D.'s as I can. I read volumes of poetry and biographies, children's novels, comics, I study art and architecture, and I especially love reading statistics; most specifically financial information. I think that when you track the money - you can piece together quite a big part of the 'real' story, not the marketed one.


All the while, I learned about maintaining various other important roles that have taught me so many invaluable lessons too. Motherhood is by far my favorite and a HUGE inspiration for what I have continued to pursue - because of the hope I see in the now and in the future. I did the sportsperson thing in a fun and sometimes sort of professional way. Tried to be a good daughter. Was involved in pastoring, music, speaking, employee-being (epic fail), entrepreneuring, doing the employer thing, friend, and just general human being a human type stuff (spacing out and thinking lots) etcetera, etcetera - bla bla.


Through all of these travels and adventures, I simply had to find the words to explain what my tiny human mind and heart had felt all those years prior. When I first entered this sphere I could tell by the contrast of what my heart instinctively knew was possible, that something was seriously amiss - and I had to figure out that big freaking WHAT and WHY, it was non-negotiable despite my "responsibilities" or perhaps even more so - because of them as I have seen this as my paving the way.


I won't lie to you, I got pretty depressed at times because of the overwhelming feelings I felt in the process - but as a consistent theme, this didn't stop me from my mission - although I did really struggle at times. This isn't exactly an "average" journey, so there are often not many sojourners to walk with or even mentors to ask for advice and encouragement, so I have had to get to know myself really well and constantly get rock-solid on my intention, which is simply to unveil love's design.


I would get pretty deep in my exploration of the 'ologies' and I started to understand how ideas are transferred, sometimes even just through our DNA from generation-to-generation without even saying the words out loud. Often these ideas (in my opinion) are really, really bad, or just plain stupid, unnecessary, not useful or they are rooted in fear, which is often driven by someone else's agenda for control.


And so it would seem, that we end up mindlessly dwelling like aliens in our own garden with silly fences and gates and walls and borders. We act like obedient and immature little child-soldiers who seem to be okay with being told what we can and cannot say and do. There seems to be this sinister idea that the more rules the safer you will be - as if you can't use common sense like an adult should and made good choices.


We're divided from our brother because we think they are less - maybe they think or look or smell a tad different so we have been trained to scapegoat and 'other-ify' them.

We need, need, need because we're enslaved life-long consumers of nicknacks we do not really need and at a deep level - we never ever wanted from the start, but we have been con-vinced that without these pseudo "safety nets" we will somehow simply not survive - because the ever-illusive fear of death controls us. This, the ultimate illusion of separation from self and all.

My understanding, although I want to elaborate with thousands of words over volumes, is really just "simply" to say that at the end of the day we are the only responsible parties keeping ourselves trapped in any sort of a snare.

We enable our "taskmasters and abusers" through our passivity by voting with our compliance and consumption.

Maybe some of us are still relatively comfortable in our situations and so we don't want to see what would make us feel kinda less than cool - if we admitted that our behavior is at the cost of our brothers, our world and our children's futures, we might not be so easily persuaded to drink another glass of Chardonnay and turn up the heater. By not stepping up like adults to remedy real problems we are basically saying we are okay with them - isn't this so?

We try to make ourselves feel a tad better by pretending that by electing a few fragile and usually ill-equipped loud-mouths we have done something and so we don't actually have to do anything - practically that is. Our lame religions seem to help keep this construct firmly intact as we daren't questions the lords elect. Then, like batshit-crazies, we empty our pockets so they can buy bigger whips to beat us all a little harder than before as they stand on pulpits and platforms to look down on us? And we allow that?


Sure we complain a tad from time-to-time - but we don't do a thing to change our situation - we don't even know what our constitutional law or human rights are and we allow anything to go.


Then when they tell us to do something - often something really stupid - with little to no logic connected all swaddled in rhetorics about this being a decision made with "expert opinion" - we listen. And then worse than listening, we follow marching orders and build our own prisons and torture chambers.


We have been trained by the self-same system not to ever ask questions, at least not the ones that count, and don't you ever dare say no. Every undiluted toddler will teach you that you have to keep asking WHY and saying NO! (Progress and boundaries, we know this instinctively before we are programmed to forget).

I started a degree in marketing once upon a time, just after Y2K didn't become anything more exciting than an existing zip brand. I actually went as far as "national diploma" with it. It sickened me to my very core to be honest, although the creative element was something I liked. I realized that it was simply a degree designed to give someone a job for the most part and that job was to use various methodologies to control people's behavior through the use and usually abuse of their subconscious minds. Of course, using fear for the most part in order to create life-long users (aka consumers or addicts more bluntly), you know Monsters Inc. style - extraction of power through the terrorizing of kiddies.


I am not saying that everyone in marketing should jump off a bridge, I am merely observing the dominant trend that I personally have observed through education and corporate exposure. I have at times been a kick-ass and award-winning salesperson in the UK and SA in the door-to-door nick-nack selling space, as well as the financial and estate-agent industries, and I know what tactics are used by most people - top of the list is fear of loss and using heard mentality.


I remember my pitch very clearly from one of these jobs; "so, what everyone is doing today is transferring all their existing debt to the brand new completely free Axxx National Credit Card, and for today only, we are offering you a 50 GBP balance to spend on anything you like. All I am going to need right now is your mobile number and signature right here. Shall I give you an extra one for your partner too?" (Smile, show some boob, eye contact, keep nodding to manipulate subconsciously and collect a yes reply - cha-ching, who cares if the poor dude has to service shit loads more debt in 6 months' time, we want sales baby and dude wants instant gratification without acknowledging inevitable consequences which amount to more enslavement - bondage/debt, call it what you want).

These sweet, often ignorant, and super enthusiastic marketers love to use the fear that I am not already completely and absolutely enough by virtue of my design - they don't know it themselves, so you can't blame them. I mean imagine this pitch; "hey dude, you are totally a badass and fully alright just as you are, keep rocking your youness! I have nothing else to say. Bye."


Instead, you allow them to tell you that you are needy when actually you already are fully-equipped and you probably already have everything you could possibly need just by appreciating what you have, sharing, barter and occasionally I guess with your income-producing assets if you really want something nice or useful especially like tech - enjoy and well done!


But for the most part, the earth is already able to meet us with just about everything through simply planting a garden; including medical, shelter, nutritional, entertainment, clothing, and even fashion needs. One of the worst lies to believe is that you will be rejected if you don't sport the latest and greatest gizmo and whatsitsname and keep up with the who's and whatsitfaces. If you accept yourself and love yourself - then there is no fear of rejection.

We through our compliance allow 'them' to school us in the thought that acceptance comes from being included in the heard (which really is a pretty primitive thought that comes from our reptilian brain and is not useful for this era. Maybe once upon a stone-age, it was relatively helpful for actual survival, but we can now move forward and pro-gress).


For the most part, it seems as though we are so desperate as a society (especially in the Western thinking models) to fit in we will buy anything we are told to and spend all our creative energies servicing debt or paying for a result that cannot be achieved with finances. That's why the super financially 'rich' often still end up killing themselves and falling apart. Money is no guarantee of happiness or security even.


The funny, yet not-so-funny thing is, we are all literally dying of loneliness because we don't even love ourselves. Even in our little target market groups where we all dress the same, behave the same and think the same, and dare not say something different or "offensive", for the most part, it seems we are not happy campers - are we!?


What if we stopped what obviously isn't beneficial or useful and we revisited our paradigm and perhaps saw it from a few more angles than just the perceived mainstream one?


Hello there you - we are facing extinction! This is a fact. What we have done to date, clearly isn't working for the good of ALL in a sustainable manner - or we would be thriving and we would be smiling and people would not be killing themselves, each other, and their biosphere!


In my adventures of the mind and of the plains, I have come across some things that make sense to me.


Tesla helped me in this direction when I wanted to understand why it was that I felt such pain with shoes on and why I instinctively knew to take them off and walk and lie on the grass to soothe myself from the youngest age. This thought led me to other schools of thought around energy, vibration, quantum physics, and several exciting laws, many of which I have personally put to the test on my own body and in my own spaces.


In closing, I want to offer one of them as a very useful thought and possibly (in my opinion) a part of the remedy for our end-of-species conundrum. If you are not already familiar with this law, let me introduce you to the wonder-full law of... drumroll please; Thermodynamics (the heat and energy law or the energy of moving/vibrating molecules - we are moving and vibrating molecules, incase you didn't know that)! I am referring specifically to the Second Law of Thermodynamics (for today's thinkings).


In examining this idea, in my understanding and words (I'm no expert so forgive me if my interpretation is a tad off); basically how it goes is the more you change energy from one form to the next, the more the potency of that energy is diluted, wasted even - which is why I have embraced a found that a predominately raw vegan lifestyle works well for me. It is also why I want to present a very authentic and undiluted and even vulnerable version of myself, without fear of rejection or loss. If and when I don't know, I don't know. If I am I confused, sobeit. If I am struggling - let me struggle until I find my direction and figure out what works and what doesn't. If I am in pain, let it stay for as long as it is useful. These are not our enemies, they are simply feedback mechanisms and teachers.


The Law then goes on to show us that systems (we are systems - our bodies are systems and our environments are made up of systems), when in isolation de-generate and dissipate (go into extinction even) as confusion increases (maximum entropy).


My current thinking based upon the above scientific information is this:


Isolation of ANY system is going to cause its ultimate disintegration and inevitable demise. We are not stand-alone entities as our ego might suggest. We are part of a body, or a system if you prefer (made up of systems and they all need each other to thrive - think chain strength and the weakest link).


Take granny and put her in a sterile box alone somewhere, take flowers and plant them away from the soil, sun, and earthworms, take animals and put them in unsuitable conditions, take YOU-man and self-isolate in your work cubicle or little square box in front of another little square box and ...you will die. Maybe not straight away - but you will get there, quite quickly and the more important question is - are you actually even living (if you are, to be honest - with yourself).


If we do not re-integrate with all the other systems (biodiversity and just plain human diversity to begin with) - we are basically, in less eloquent terms - fucked already! This is also referred to as inevitability and causality. But it's a cyclical redundancy too because we have been rapidly declining for quite some time and holistically things have become crazier and crazier (more chaotic - think systems in isolation and lack of diversity; which I like to refer to as the ultimate university, cause it rhythms and stuff).


Stop the fucking bus, let us breathe for a minute, and think about shit.


Really think - collectively... with all sorts of minds (young, old, Eastern, Western, eccentric, religious, weird, philosophical, analytical, flat earthers, square boxers - basically just everyone is welcome to contribute because that level of undiluted energy and interactivity is going to cause a shift in the energy department (science shit - not weird or airy-fairy at all).


And that, my dear systemic house-mate (aka brother from really the same mother) - after two hours of writing is why I say with resounding conviction that I embrace all and nothing and everything in between.


To me, it is my moral, ethical, and legal obligation and it is a matter of integrity and congruency with my highest values and beliefs that I do not walk away from this and somehow pretend that none of it exists.


I, as a mother, as a daughter, a sister, a human, as a part of a species and as a lover of the wonder and majesty that is this gift called life - am by choice a love-mission-adventurer-author-poet-troubadour-trouble-shooting-contributor - for myself, "mine" and for ALL.

The opposite of love my friend is not hate - its indifference. Indifference is characterized by passivity and this ultimately enabled the demise of what really matters... Abundant LIFE for all!


So... what do we do now? We own our shit, we take responsibility together! This is most probably our very last hour, we are kind of like totally in ICU right now, in case you can't see that and conventional systems are failing miserably. Entire species are going extinct by the minute (really; look it up - actually shit really is THAT bad).


Let's recognize and honor our oneness and the need we have for each other. Anything other than that is merely an illusion created by the previously stated construct. People perish from a lack of knowledge - when we know better we do better, okay!?


We are completely interdependent regardless of the cocky thought that we might have had, that we don't need each other and we are "fine".


Thing is, we need each other so badly, now, more than EVER before in the history of our narrative. We also really need our home (the planet) - with all the living creatures great and "small", especially the soil that we have raped and poisoned to an extent that it is almost irreparable. There is a reason why it's called - Mother Earth! The entire system needs to be valued, cherished, and respected - because together we are ONE on our little spere in an endless diamond sky that keeps expanding and knows no end...


Is this our end chapter or will we choose to change?


Waking up from our sleep-walking as unconsciously programmed consumer-like-slaves, will we grow up and take up the mantle set before us right now and become the remarkable creator and co-curator-beings who are so capable of changing the tide from damnation and stagnation to abundant and uninhibited freedom in an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance - for all?


Could this be the day of our re-birth, instead of death - where we start embracing sanity and dignity for a change?


It can be - if we drop our illusion of separation and otherness, remember once again what being human actually is, and roll up our sleeves in an atmosphere of undiluted and unseparated togetherness.




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